1. Spill… tell us about your messy break up!
I felt I was too young to be in a serious relationship and to be dealing with all the issues that were happening at such a young age. I started dating the guy when I was almost 20 and ended it soon after I turned 21. Everything moved way too fast – we moved in together really quick. I think it was more about it being convenient for me at the time to be living with someone other than my family (parents had recently been through a divorce) rather than me actually wanting to be with someone. The whole time we were together there was all sorts of trouble happening. At the beginning his ex-girlfriend began violently stalking us, so much that we had to get the police involved and an AVO issued to keep her away. There would also be his fits of anger that I’d have to deal with and his friends who would get into drunken fights all the time. I felt like I needed to get out of there.
2. Did things get weird?
Super weird and really scary as well. I broke up with him one night in our bedroom. I told him that I didn’t love him anymore (I didn’t even know what love was to be honest) and that I needed time to try and ‘find myself’. That was my excuse anyway. He was really upset, obviously. He slept in the other room that night and asked me the next morning if I still felt the same, which I did. I had to get out of there straight away. We were renting a house with another couple and so trying to get out of that lease was a nightmare. I ended up paying two lots of rent, one for that house and one for another which I moved into by myself as I didn’t want to put them all out by leaving them high and dry. I didn’t want to be the typical ‘bad guy’ that just runs off. I did that for 3 months before their lease ended. We arranged a time for me to pick up my fridge from the house before they moved out and instead of cleaning all of their food out of it, they unplugged it, left it full of food and sat it in the middle of the living room, rotting. When I went to pick it up it was disgusting and the smell was horrible. It just reassured me that getting out of a childish household was the best decision I made. The amount of abusive things he also messaged me was really worrying because I knew what his temper was like. His mother was much worse too. She would drink a lot and send me ranting messages abusing me for ‘what I did’.
3. What was the hardest part of the break up?
We met up again at a mutual friend’s wedding a few months later – I was a bridesmaid and he was a groomsmen. I had been living by myself for a few months now and was moving on. I tried to have as little contact with him as possible at the wedding but he would always find his way over to me. He couldn’t let go. He couldn’t grasp the fact that I didn’t want to be in a toxic environment with him anymore. He continued to plea with me to try again but I was over it. I was 21 and I needed to enjoy my life, not be scared of what might happen next.
4. If you learned just one thing, what was it?
If you can’t work things out, get out. Just do it for you. If you need to get out of a relationship because it is violent, toxic to your health, making you hate yourself, just do it. I know not all circumstances are the same and there are unfortunately much more violent relationships out there which makes it hard to do something about it, but if you can at least talk to someone, a friend, family, a counsellor, police, please do it. At the end of the day you have to look out for your own life and wellbeing.
5. What can you laugh about now that time has passed?
That I lasted that long! How silly was I!
6. If you look back over the relationship did you miss any red flags?
A lot. Constantly being drunk and his friends not respecting anything. He certainly didn’t change his ways any of the times we fought over something.
7. What part of yourself did you compromise too much of?
Pretty much my self-respect.
8. How did you rebuild yourself to get back to a stronger and happier you?
I became more independent. I needed to stop relying on others for things. I moved into my own apartment. I bought my own car. I got rid of all of my toxic ‘friends’ who were doing nothing with their lives. I became more accomplished within my career and began studying. I made more time for me.
9. What advice would you give someone going through something similar?
If it doesn’t make you happy or love yourself more then change it.
10. If you could give one piece of advice to the person you broke up with what would it be?
As easy as it is to say rather than do, let go and grow up. There are obvious reasons why it didn’twork out in the end. Life’s too short to be mulling over stupid shit – learn and move on